Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I Guess We're There

I'm going to be 30 29 again this year. I wouldn't say I'm freaking out about it, but I just keep going, "Really? Really? We're here already?" I guess I still feel like I'm 25 (although I definitely don't look like I did when I was 25 - you know, 25 pounds lighter, great tan, hair always styled, make-up fresh, well rested - er, didn't need as much rest). I'm wondering where the time went. Friends have gotten married, some are having kids (some have more than one), and, yes, some are having plastic surgery.


Yes, really.

I guess we are there.

Over the last four or five years, it wouldn't be a stretch to say my life has changed dramatically. I started dating the man that would eventually be my husband, got "let go" from the first real job I ever had (I was about to quit anyway - I know everyone that gets fired says that, but in this case, I swear to baby Jesus it's true), I landed my dream job cooking at The Black Cat Bistro (and didn't care one bit that I was working nights, weekends and, if it hadn't been for Mike, wouldn't have been able to pay my bills), left the Cat to open a business with my dad (good and bad - man I miss that crazy kitchen), got married, got pregnant (we're still wondering how that happened), had a baby... I'm not really sure I have a point to all this, but I guess I just wish it would all slow down. Just a little. For like a week even. So we can enjoy it all.

Since becoming a mom, people constantly ask, "When are you having another one?" Sometimes it's tongue-in-cheek, but most of the time it seems like people are serious. For the record, we're not planning on having another. When I tell people that, it's like I just dumped one of Joey's diapers out on their dinner plate. The usual response is, "Oh! You'll change your mind, just wait!" And sometimes - fleeting moments, mind you - I think they're right. I think I'll change my mind. And then I lose another night of sleep, or miss out on something because Joey can't miss his naps, or I have to tell a customer that I won't be able to do what I promised them until tomorrow... Sounds uber selfish, right? Don't get me wrong - I love being Joey's mom. And I usually want to (and sometimes do) answer the, "When are you having another one?" question with, "Can't I just enjoy the one I have?" I'm not one to sugarcoat what being a mom means. Are there innumerable good things to go along with the lost sleep, missed events, huge life changes? Absolutely. I wouldn't give them up for the world. But I'm also not going to walk around telling every married woman they should start production before their baby factory shuts down for good.

I struggle daily with striking a balance between being a wife, being a mom and a friend. And any woman who says she doesn't is lying to herself, completely delusional, or deserves the Nobel Prize and needs to write several books (and put them on tape, or iTunes, or better yet, flashcards) and give them away for free when you apply for a marriage license and/or leave the hospital with a baby. I dunno, I guess I'm just waiting for the day when people around me just get tired of waiting for me to find that balance. And some days, I worry I won't find it until Joey leaves for college.

Right now, I should be cleaning my house, or writing thank you notes for Joey's birthday gifts, or working on a project to get ahead for tomorrow. But I think I'm just going to enjoy the silence of the house, take a hot shower and maybe have a glass of wine. Balance.


Ben said...

the "when are you having another one?" question kills me. unfortunately, my wife and i aren't seeing eye to eye on that one. i know it's incredibly selfish, but i look at it from the perspective of "he's perfect, he's healthy, why roll the dice?" i'm not sold on #2.

it has literally come to a point for me where i simply answer the question by saying "when you're ready to write the check for the cost of raising it and putting it through college!" that shuts 'em up real quicklike.

don't fret over it, kid. you're doing an awesome job as a mom. the only ones that i can come anywhere close to saying are doing better are our mom and my wife. but then again, i'm obviously biased.

Annie said...

Thanks, bro. You're doing a pretty damn good job yourself.

Anonymous said...

LOL I went thru this until my first was nearly 9 & I found myself preganant...gasp :) I just wish at this point(nearly 7 yrs later) that I had had another a lot closer to the first. With the
second one I find there are things I am more confident about than with the first. Also I now face the fact that while one will graduate high school the other will be just beginning his education...Love reading your blog :)

Annie said...

I can only imagine how shocking that would be! And thank you for reminding me that people still read this blog and it desperately needs some updating ;)